Suppressing Your Voice
by leey
Summary: What song are you singing? My idol, my god, my everything. My voice, so faltered. Just a whisper in the crowd. But I still do not understand. Your voice that I adore so much, is not reaching me. It is not reaching me anymore. [RyuTat]
1. Simplistic

What song are you singing? My idol, my god, my everything. My voice, so faltered. Just a whisper in the crowd. But I still do not understand. Your voice that I adore so much, is not reaching me. It is not reaching me anymore. Tat/Ryu

**This chapter has been _sorta_ revised/changed. No life threatening changes though.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything made by Maki Murakami.**

--Chapter 1--

I couldn't believe what my brother had just done. Again. I had just arrived at his nice, luxurious, looming princess tower, getting ready to knock my fist on the dry modernized door. When the door creaked open, I could only get a glimpse at the bright. blond, shock of hair, before he slammed the door. In my face. With me shivering my ass out in the cold.

Ass.

Oh, the joys of rain. How I dread it. All it ever does it soak your clothes, soak your perfectly dried hair, soak your undies...

...and the rain continues.

Maybe I shouldn't of left Kyoto and come over to Eiri's house. I mean all he ever does is bitch around about his stupid books and getting them done by his deadline. Then again I can't really say thats bad. He does make a shit load of money around here.

But then I fear the worst that his job has given him. Fan girls. Oh how I hate them with a fiery passion. Just like how they flock my Ryuichi, and stalk him dawn till dusk. I would do anything to get rid of them, and when I mean anything, I really do mean anything. And if the worst has to come, I'd even die for my Ryuichi.

Stopping in the middle of the litter adorned sidewalk, I and looked up at the "beautiful" sky. What a perfect day to spend the night on a bench. I already know the subways are going to be filled with stinking old hobos. My stuff was once stolen by one of those cretins. I shuffled my feet around. With just my backpack filled with a extra set of clothes and the little money I had left, I slowly made my way over towards the water soaked bench. It wouldn't matter if I sat in it, I'm already saturated with the disgusting filth they call "rain".

I sighed and turned to my backpack unzipping the pouch in the front, and pulling out my silver CD player. Sadly the player wasn't waterproof, I don't think any of them are really waterproof.

Sheltering my CD player from the rain, I scanned to track four. If you want have sex with Sakuma Ryuichi, ahem, be a Nittle Grasper fan, then you have to memorize all of the tracks on every single CD. Of course, I've already memorized all of them. Can't you already tell I'm crazy about them already? I'm sure you do.

"Damn CD player, play already!" Pressing the play button, all I could hear in my headphones were distorted sounds with fragmented and broken singing. I swore under my breath.

"Damn rain..." I took my sleeve and pulled it over my hand, starting to wipe away the excess water from my CD player. Perhaps I shouldn't of done that. My sleeve was drenched even more than my useless CD player. I sighed again while tossing the heap of junk back into my backpack. Maybe I should try Eiri's again.

Getting up from the bench was harder than I thought. Both my legs felt numb as I couldn't even feel my fingers.

Forget it, I'm just not going to move from this bench today.

Ok, so I lied. Can monks lie? I really don't know.

A low grumbling sound emitted from my stomach, signaling my desire to eat. I looked up, my eyes shooting down the road trying to find a feeding location. The third store caught my eye. It was a small ramen shop which looked pretty deserted. Grabbing my bag, I decided that standing up and getting to the food was my top priority. Screw Eiri and his nice, huge, warm, stupid, stupid, stupid, house.

I think life has kicked back into my legs. Grabbing the bench armrest, I pushed myself up from my seat. I wobbled slightly from the sting that climbed up my legs and arms. A grimace of pain crossed my face, but it faded away quickly. Cold weather kills.

I walked over to the curb and waited for the signal light to change to the green walking man. Once it changed, people bustled about quickly, with their stupid umbrellas, across the street. I started walking, only to speed up when the signal started flickering. The ramen shop wasn't too far away, as I found myself promptly in a seat.

"Hello, what would you like today young man?" A senile old woman had come up to me to take my order. I looked in my bag and found that I had just enough for a bowl of Miso Ramen.

"I'll take a Miso Ramen please." Smiling with as much politeness I could muster, the aging woman returned the smile and hobbled back, retreating through the curtains.

"Such a nice boy." I could hear her mummer on her way towards the back. My smile dropped as she left, and sighed for the third time. Old people are always easy to deceive, except for my dad. Even though he already has one foot in the grave, he's still as sharp as ever. If he ever got a hold of a gun, he's shoot me right in between the eyes. Well, he probably won't shoot me since I am now deemed "monk that will take over family business". Eiri and Mika are lucky.

Too tangled up in my thoughts I didn't notice another guy sit next to me in the barstool next to mine. His eyes were covered up with a pair of dark expensive looking sunglasses, and on top he wore a simple blue cap. Something irked me about the way he wore his sunglasses and hat, but bothered not to stare to long. Besides, I was taught that staring at somebody really ticks people off. I rubbed my cheek slighty, experience comes in handy.

"Here you go, one Miso Ramen." A bowl was placed in front of myself as did a pair of chopsticks. I looked at the contents in the bowl. Normal Miso Ramen, and looks safe to eat. Breaking apart my chopsticks, I dove into the bowl. What I didn't notice was a gaze watching me, but decided to brush it away and continue eating, that was until the stranger spoke.

"Hey, aren't you Eiri Yuki's brother?" I flinched at that name. Truthfully, I did love my brother, but always being referred to "his brother" really made me mad.

Eating away at the last noodle on my chopstick I turned to look at the stranger. "Yeah I am... What of it?" I didn't notice it before, but his facial features were incredibly beautiful. He almost looked like Ryuichi in a way. If it weren't for that hat and those glasses I could of checked, but that would of been rude.

"You just looked like him, my friend is his lover." He winked at me. I slightly shuddered, but continued to talk to him anyways.

"Whats your name?" His voice was as smooth as silk, almost as if he invented the language itself. His suave voice kept me distracted to my surrounding, making me less aware to what was actually happening.

"Ah... Uesugi Tatsuha." My voice must of squeaked. That must be the reason he looked at me so funnily, like he was going to laugh if I said anything else. I'm starting to get kind of pissed.

"Um.. excuse me, but you are?" I couldn't help but ask. A general question if you must know. He stared at me for a while before grinning towards me.

"Sakuma Ryuichi, na no da!" His bouncy voice startled me a bit, but I regained myself back together easily.

Wait...

Sakuma... Ryuichi? I dropped my chopsticks earning a rewarding wooden clash to the ground. He kept smiling at me with his goofy grin as I just gaped at the person in front of me. My idol, my god, my... Ryuichi was sitting next to me. Sitting next to ME. Such a coincidence, couldn't be a coincidence.

"Sa... Sa... Sakuma-san!" Again, I think my voice squeaked.

I gasped slightly.

And there was that little pink bunny plush he always carried around with him on his lap.

Am I going blind?

I think I am.

"So Tatsuha! Where do you live? Are you staying with Yuki?" he asked. What I wanted to know was why I couldn't recall his voice. I've listened to him more than a thousands times, and yet I couldn't even recognize his voice. I am either truly pathetic, or I'm also going deaf.

"Well... I was going to stay with Eiri, but he kind of kicked me out. Sorta explains why I'm practically soaked to the bone here." I heard a slight chuckle come from my idol. He looks really cute when he laughs. Oh, the agony of keeping my hands to myself, it's so hard, but I don't want to leave a bad impression on Ryuichi.

"Really? Well if you talked to Shuichi, he'd probably let you in, na no da." I blinked at him. Maybe Ryuichi was right. Maybe I SHOULD ask Shuichi.

"Yeah, but Shuichi's always busy at work. I'd have no time to talk to him." Ryuichi cocked his head to the side and looked at me with confused eyes.

"But Shuichi always talks to me. He's never busy!"

"Yes, but Shuichi **works** in the same building as you Sakuma-san."

"Don't call me that," His tone had dropped, just slightly, but I could hear the desperate change. He stood up from the stool, and tossed some money carelessly onto the table. "Just call me Ryuichi."

I looked at his empty seat for a while before realizing he had left. Guilt began to toss itself at me, as the way he had addressed it made me want to stab myself. All this time I was having a comfortable chat with Saku-- Ryuichi, and nothing seemed to affect that conversation. Until, that is, I just had to go and make him mad. Wait, did I actually make him mad?

"Young man, that nice customer payed for your bill as well. I think he also left you this..." The old, almost crippled, lady handed me a folded piece of paper. I graciously took it from her and opened it up.

A phone number.

Or something close to it.

My eyes widened at the sight of the crumpled piece of paper. I thanked the lady before picking up my backpack and heading back outside.

Outside where the rain continues to poor, and where the messy written telephone number on the snow white paper smudged.

"Ryuichi... Why are you so difficult?" Staring at the wet paper, I walked carelessly into the road. I felt so confused as to what I should do, but that all changed quickly when I heard the screeching tires of a car, and the shouts and screams that were directed towards me.

"Tatsuha!"

Reacting to the sounds were not enough, and soon I was engulfed in pain that was unexplainable, and a darkness that seemed to flutter in my vision.

I could not recognize that voice that yelled at me last.

I just could not recognize it at all.

But, somehow my backpack came alive, playing pleading music in the rain.

That melodic voice...

...matched his voice.

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Well I'm trying to revise all the chapters, but it'll go slow. I just hope you guys still like it, gomen!

This chapter has been _somewhat_ revised.


	2. Informality

Hello and let me introduce you to chapter 2! I'm glad you guys liked my story so far!

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything that Maki Murakami owns... grrrr. **

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Chapter 2: 

I woke up from the sound of a heart monitor beeping constantly, stable and consistent with each beep. My eyes slowly opened as I was looking directly at a bland ceiling. Am I still alive?

Slowly and carefully I lifted myself up from the bed. White washed walls covered every inch, as the strong smell of disinfectant roamed around in the small room. When I caught a whiff of that smell I coughed. Hospitals might just be the killer instead of the savior.

"Why am I here?" I asked myself. I felt terrible, like after coming home from a huge party and getting a massive hangover. Yeah, thats how I felt at the moment. With one giant headache, and sore limbs to boot. Just want exactly did happen?

"Ow..." I winced as I felt a stinging jab at my legs. They felt broken and useless to me, that I wouldn't be surprised if they already casted it. When I pulled the covers away from my legs, I found that they were not in a cast. At least not yet.

Actually I'm hoping that I don't get a cast.

They get all itchy and irritating.

My eyes wandered around the plain room until it hit a window. At the angle I was looking at it, it was almost the perfect view. The emerald tree was nicely aligned with the window, that you didn't have to cock your head to the side to see beyond it. Truly magnificent gardening.

I kept staring out the window until I heard the door creak open, and by the doorway was my sister.

"Tatsuha!" She dropped her purse by the door and ran over towards me, enveloping me in a hug. I gasped as she held me so tight that I thought my newfound bruises were going to be bruised.

"Ow.. Mika... Ow!" Finally she stopped, and took a step backwards giving me a breather. Boy, am I glad.

But wait... What happened?

"Mika, why am I here?" I questioned. I watched her as she pulled up a plastic chair and sat down next to me. She looked at me and just continued to stare until I saw a glimmer slide down her cheek.

My sister is crying. No fucking way, the world is ending.

"Tatsuha, you almost got yourself killed." I watched as my sister buried her face into her hands, mascara streaking down along her face. I couldn't help but put and hand on her back. I think this is how mother would comfort us if we started crying, actually I don't really know. Is it soothing?

I looked up at the ceiling. Really mother, how am I suppose to make Mika stop crying? My sophisticated, intelligent sister is now bawling all over me.

Why?

Only Buddha knows.

"At least I'm still alive, ain't I?" I tossed on a face covering smile and waited for her reaction. Her hand grabbed the edge of my blanket as she started to wipe her face with it. Little black smudges adorned the blanket as my sister continued to rub her face along the cotton fibers of this hospital sheet.

She stopped and looked back up at me, the remainder of the mascara still beneath her eyes. "What would of happened if you didn't?"

"Easy, the shrine won't have a successor and we'll all live happily." I shot over towards the sound of the voice and watched my brother enter the room.

"Eiri! Your brother doesn't need any more insults from you, so please be quiet!"

"No Mika, he's right." I gripped the white sheets tightly in my hands and stared down at my knuckles. Was that really all that I was good for? Being the successor of my fathers shrine? Did nobody care what I wanted? What I needed?

"Tatsuha you dumb ass, why'd you go and get yourself hit by a car?"

A car... so thats what it was. Maybe that explains all these aches and pains I've been getting all around my body.

But what drove me to get hit by a car?

I cringed faintly.

My chest hurt.

"I don't know..." whispering, I shut my eyes tightly. Why did my chest throb so uncontrollably?

"TATSUHA!" A shot of pink zoomed past the door.

Eiri sighed, "Idiot..."

"TATSUHA!" The mass of pink came back to the open door, bursting through. I think the pounding has stopped.

"Shuichi, didn't I tell you to be quiet?" Eiri swiftly took out a cigarette and lighted it with it between his fingers. I would of asked him to pass me one, but Mika would have a fit and take it away from me.

"But Yuki, Tatsuha's in trouble!"

"Shut up!" I watched as Shuichi obediently obeyed my brother. Amazing how he can actually put up with my aniki, or maybe its the other way around. Didn't I tell you that staring was rude? Well thats what everybody's doing now.

Then Tohma just had to enter the scene. I think he just made things even worse for me. I mean, the way he walks, his fluffy coat, and that damn black hat he always wears, whats not to hate about him?

"The doctor says you'll be able to be discharged from here tomorrow," He made his way around my sister and brother into the front. Right in front of me. Like my day wasn't already awful, he just had to come in and make things worse. My sore body can only take so much. Why did Mika marry him again? Oh yeah, he's filthy rich.

"What do you want Tohma?" He turned around and whispered quietly into my sisters ear. I watched as she got up and grabbed Eiri my his arm and dragged him and Shuichi out of the room. Silently the door was shut, and all that I could hear was the heart monitor once again, its slow and steady beep ring through my ears.

"Tatsuha, I heard you came in contact with Ryuichi before the accident. Do you remember what you two did?" I blinked twice.

"No. I don't," I dropped my head down again looking down at the sheets. A little paper bracelet was wrapped around my wrist, as well as a IV needle that was stuck up my arm. I thought the needle was kinda cool, at least I couldn't feel it.

"Tatsuha, are you lying to me?" The way he stared at me made me feel even more guilty for what happened to myself. I don't know how, but it did. His gaze seemed to pierced into my mind almost as if he already knew the answer himself, but I didn't.

I didn't know anything.

"No. I truly can't recall anything." I tore away from Tohma's eyes and turned my head towards the window. If Tohma won't go away, then I'll ignore him till he does.

"Ryuichi told me he met you at a small ramen shop that day." Gasping, I turned back over to Tohma. I met Ryuichi. I met THE Sakuma Ryuichi, and I don't have any memory of how I even got to meet him at. Well... Tohma did say I met him at a ramen shop. What the hell, a ramen shop?

"After he saved you, he was attacked," Tohma brought his hand up to his forehead and began to massage his temples delicately. "They said were looking for you Tatsuha..."

"He was attacked? I won't let anybody get close to him again! I promise, I'll be his body guard for life, with no pay necessary!" I shouted, then recognized Tohma's smile in an instant. Once of those smiles where you think its genuine, but when you look up closely, you can see all of the loathsome despise, and hate he holds in it.

"Thats the problem Tatsuha. I want you to stay away from him now."

I drew back and sank into the pillow that was behind me.

"Stay back, as far as possible from him as you can." I could hear all of his distaste for me in his voice. Everything, everything that I lived for, Tohma told me to back off.

"But..."

"This is nothing to be joking of, I do want him to be safe. Tatsuha, I care for you too as you are Eiri's brother, and Mika's too--"

Oh god... I think I'm going to snap.

I couldn't clench my teeth forever, and suddenly I just burst out, "Shut up Tohma! Are you saying that I'm suppose to ignore my idol, my GOD now? I don't live for anything else, don't you see?" My bursting outrage lead to a thundering commotion outside the door in the hallway. I could almost cry, but crying was a sign of weakness and I wouldn't show that, no, not in front of Tohma. I refuse to lose to him.

Tohma only sees me as Eiri's brother.

He only sees me as Mika's brother.

Brother, brother, brother, I hate it!

"Tatsuha, are you ok?" The door flung open as I bit my lip. I watched the blond president make his way out of the door from the corner of my eye, turning back at me when he reached the opening.

"Stay back, ok?" Again, he flashed me one of his smiles. Then he left, into the hallway fading away as he grew smaller and smaller, until he was out of my sight. Now only Shuichi waited by the door.

I wanted to throw up now. Strangle him, and snap his neck if I could, but Mika won't allow it. Eiri won't allow it. I won't allow myself to do it either.

That would just be admitting I've been defeated again.

"Hey, what was that all about?" His feet tapped against the cold white looking tiles as he made his way towards me, slow and steady steps, slightly echoing. He looked so much like him. So much like Ryuichi. Ha, I should stop acting like I know him.

**Sakuma-san.**

I think those chest pains are starting to come back.

"Tatsuha are you ok?"

My head hung low, as my now trembling hands found their way to my face, gently covering them.

"I'm fine..."

I could feel salty tears start to cascade down from my eyes, leaving behind the burning sensation as they trailed down my cheeks.

"Just fine."

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Its the end of chapter 2! What do you guys think? My writing is getting kinda sloppy, must be because I'm sleepy... haha. Sleeep... 

Thanks for reading! Next chapter should be up... soon? I don't know. Haha. Sorry.

(Oh and a happy spring break for me!... Too bad I won't be going anywhere...)

Bye!


	3. Restriction

Hey guys, I'm here with a new chapter, chapter... 3! Horrah!

Enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER: What? What did you say? I DON'T OWN GRAVITATION!**

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Chapter 3-

Today was the day I got to be discharged from the hospital. Why so soon? Because I'm a lucky son of a bitch, thats right.

The doctors concluded that I had no major injuries, and decided that I could go home right away with the large bruises and slight concussion from the crash. Major injuries, feh, couldn't those people see the damage Tohma did to me? I guess not. Where did those doctors get their medical degrees at exactly?

Mika strolled me to the car in a nice black wheelchair. Maybe I should fake that my leg is still busted up and make Mika push me around some more. Watching my older sister bow down to my every command I issue is a sight to behold. Really, I'm not joking.

"Are you going to be fine staying with father?" Mika asked nonchalantly.

"I thought about staying with aniki for a while. A vacation sounds good right now, and without all of my monk duties to worry about, I'll be a free man."

"For now" added Mika. My eye twitched at her comment. She was right, I would have to go home sometime, monk duties weren't going to be done by themselves.

"Hey Mika?"

"Hmm?"

"Does father really expect me to become a full fledged monk?" I watched as Mika put the keys in the ignition, starting the car up. It came alive as I heard the engine roar and the gears put into reverse. Slowly, we drove out of the parking lot and headed onto the road.

"Tatsuha, father just wants you to grow up right. I'm married to Tohma, and your brother is a writer now. Nobody else is left to take over, but you." I started to fidget with my fingers as I looked out of the window, scenery zooming past, all of it just a blur.

"I see..."

"But you know what? You'll be a great monk, even if you are pretty perverted and obsessed with Ryuichi." She smiled faintly towards me, her reflection casted upon in the rear view mirror. I couldn't help but grin back.

Right then, I could of killed myself in the car, but Mika was right. Nobody else was going to take over the stupid shrine, but me. If Tohma told me to back off Sakuma-san, then I will. He was right, I couldn't endanger him anymore.

Why were they looking for me again?

Oh I know, to make my life even more miserable then it already is.

"Turn the car around Mika. I want to stop by NG real quick." Maybe I could say one last goodbye to him, or a proper thank you. He probably doesn't even remember me anyways, but a small goodbye won't hurt.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

Enormous buildings started to appear one by one, until the whole block was full of them. Most of them had glass windows encasing the buildings, fragile, yet strong enough to withstand the conditions here in Tokyo. In Kyoto, we never have such buildings like these. We stick with simple things, small and sturdy.

I could see NG rounding up near the corner. It wasn't a hard building to miss, besides the fact that it had a gigantic sign with the letters "NG" imprinted on them.

The car stopped, and I slowly got out of the car.

"Hey, I thought you were injured!" I looked back at my sister and smirked.

"I **was** injured, I'm fine now." Curses could be heard as I saw her drive away from me, probably disgusted at my tactics. She's so nice.

Standing in front of the building gave me chills down my spine. It looked so big with its huge frame towering over me. I took in a deep breath, letting out a shuddering sigh, and walked over towards the automatic sliding doors. They opened for me graciously.

I walked over by the receptionist who was busy idly chatting on the phone with who I assumed was her boy friend, because her finger was wrapped around the cord like a boa constrictor taking a hold of a mouse. She glanced at me and nodded before turning back to the phone.

Now to find Sakuma-san's recording box. Didn't Shuichi record in the same place? Damn, this was easy. I speed walked over towards the elevator and entered the metal box. Pressing the designated number the elevator started its way up, slowly, but I guess I wasn't in such a rush.

Nobody entered the elevator while I was on my journey upwards. It finally stopped and the doors opened, letting me out. I walked casually up towards the door and paused. Hand on the doorknob, I couldn't decided if I should enter or not. For all I knew, Tohma could have been recording as well.

I took a deep breath.

Twist and push.

"Tatsuha?"

It was just Shuichi.

"Hey! I was just walking by, and decided to visit you. You look pretty busy. Oh, is that a new outfit? Anyways, I was just stopping by, so I'm going to go now! Hope your session goes well, bye!" I spun on my heel to twist around back towards the door, but found myself stopped.

"Sa..."

"Hey Tatsuha, You wanna stay for a while? Ryuichi and I are doing a duet recording today!" He waved his arms above his head grinning like an idiot. I didn't know how long I was staring at Sakuma-san, but I could feel my heart pounding wildly, almost as if it would tear out my chest.

"Hey Shuichi!" He just brushed past me like I wasn't even there. My eyes widened as I felt his arm graze against mine, sending electrifying sensations through my body. I'm pretty sure he didn't notice, just like how he didn't even consider looking at me, even if I was standing in front of him. I didn't know what to think then. Being ignored by Ryui-, Sakuma-san, it makes me feel like garbage. Dirty, rotten, cheap, garbage.

I even got him hurt, and possibly endangering his career. By who? Who the hell do you think? Its the devils themselves, they've come after me to make my life a living hell!

"Tohma!" It couldn't of been a more perfect time for his appearance.

"Ryui--Tatsuha, what a shock. What are you doing here?" He questioned. Couldn't we just be left alone for once? I want to talk to him, I need to talk to him. This heavy burden on my chest doesn't seem to want to go, until that is I tell him. Thats right, until I say I'm sorry, it will be gone. Right?

"I..." The shattering of the glass window behind me could be heard as gunshots rang through the air. Is it some kind of NG raid? If it is, duck! I crouched down to my knees as a few shards of broken glass landed on top of my head.

On the floor, I could see blood. Dark, crimson blood. Just like the color of somebody's hair that was near the window.

It was also the color of Sakuma-san's blood. I rose up from the ground and looked up. He was holding his left arm with his hand and the sticky red substance could be seen trickling down his arm, and flowing through his fingers.

It was obvious he was shot, and what was I doing? Protecting myself like an idiot, and doing nothing for him. I couldn't do anything, too much of a coward for my own good. I couldn't even speak. I couldn't do anything, nothing!

He saved my life, and yet...

I probably can't save him.

"What was that?" Shuichi poked his head up from under the keyboard, microphone clutched in his hands. I heard Tohma gasp in unison with Shuichi when they caught sight of the room, and the bleeding victim.

"Ryuichi!" Again, I was pushed aside, my feet crunching all the shards underneath. I grasped the nearby table to steady my weak legs from collapsing. Tohma was quickly tending to Sakuma-san's wounds as he took a handkerchief that was in his pocket and wrapped it around his bleeding arm. The piece of cloth was soaked in just minutes.

"Tatsuha, everything you do, everything you touch it's all just a disaster!" His voice thundered in the room, making my legs feel limper then they were already. I couldn't tell whether he was pissed or just downright mad, but the intensity of his speech had left me frozen, the table as my only support.

Then I felt my arms lift off of the oak table. I was being held up by two men in sleek black suits, their size, just as tall as a giraffe, if not taller. I'm joking, their too short for a giraffe.

"What, what the hell are you doing?" I trashed myself wildly against the two while kicking violently about, trying to get the bulky men to loosen their grasp on me.

"Tatsuha... Get out, or I'll call the police on **you**."

"But I need to speak to Sakuma-san!" I felt my voice strain on his name.

"Get out!" I tightly pressed my lips together, trying not to utter another word back towards him. The men carried me out of the room, but I could feel the gaze of somebody eyes piercing at my back.

Watching.

"Not Sakuma-san... Just Ryuichi."

It sounded all too familiar. Like I had heard it before, his smooth voice caressing the surface of my exposed skin, trying to crawl under. Just the sound of his fading words made me shudder, soft, yet so demanding.

I was taken out of the room too quickly, as the guards didn't even give me a chance to look back. No time to say my thanks, or goodbye.

I couldn't of felt more guilty than I already had. The guards carelessly tossed me out of the building. My face scraped part of the concrete sidewalk when I landed roughly on the ground. Life isn't fair, just like the rest of the whole damn world.

People that walked past me stared at my fallen figure. I couldn't describe how I felt. Embarrassing as it was I didn't care, I could only think. I needed him. How could I live without you?

A sleek black car rode up towards the curb next to me. It stopped, and rolled its window down. A woman, with red hair poked her head out and smiled at me.

"Yo!" I stood up and looked at the woman.

"Your Tatsuha, right?" She looked at me and smiled once again.

"Want me to drive you home?"

"Sorry lady, I'm going to walk." I started to drag my feet along the sidewalk, towards my home. Which is in Kyoto. How could I replace him? I can't just do that to him! He is my...

Thats all he is, isn't he?

_It's raining._

"Hey... you sure you don't want a ride?" She was driving next to me, just as slow as my pace sending cars behind her honking. I just continued to walk, trudging along in the rain, my clothes clinging onto my skin.

I sneezed. The car was driving faster now that I was situated in the car, towel on my head. It wasn't long before I had accepted her offer for a ride back to my home. She seemed trusting enough, but weirdly she knew the route to my home without my guidance. She must be a friend of Mika's.

"Hey lady, whats your name?" I asked.

"Satsuki, Harada Satsuki," she replied.

"Are you a friend of Mika's?"

"Actually, I'm a friend of your father." Oh, so she was a friend of Mika... Did she just say my father? I would of jumped out of my seat, but the seatbelt held me back.

"My dad?" The car stopped as my head hit the back of the drivers seat. I thought my dad had no social life, but I guess I'm wrong.

"Hey, why'd you stop the car so suddenly?" I tenderly touched my forehead while glaring at Satsuki.

"Why? Because we're home."

"Home?" The temple was right outside of the car. I opened the door and stepped outside of the car, the gravel sinking down as my weight was placed on my feet. I closed the car door and heard it slam shut. Satsuki was up ahead of me, already at the front door. I jogged up towards her as she knocked on the wooden screen door.

"Uesugi-san, it's Satsuki. I have Tatsuha with me." There was a muffled voice from the other side of the screen which I couldn't understand. I watched as Satsuki slid open the door to reveal my dad sitting on the floor with another girl next to him. She looked like a replica of Satsuki, but younger. Way younger. For all I know, Satsuki could be 50. The girl looked more like my age, possibly a couple years older.

"Ah, Tatsuha I'm glad your well." I smiled at my father while taking a seat on the floor in front of him. Satsuki sat down as well.

"So... Can I ask what we're all doing here?" I looked back and forth between my dad, the girl, and Satsuki all while scratching the back of my head.

"Well Tatsuha, since you are coming to age very soon, and at the time, will be taking over the shrine..."

I watched as my dad put a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"I wanted you to meet Yumi, Satsuki's daughter and your **fiancée.**"

_I have a feeling this continuous rain is never going to stop._

_Endlessly falling._

My eyes widened.

_Please tell me this is a dream,_

_**Ryuichi.**_

_**

* * *

**_

I'm so glad I got my chapter 3 finished and out. My spring break is about to end... What a terrific one I had, I didn't do anything... haha. Oh wait. I'm going shopping soon. Haha.

Enough about me, I really hope you can hold on to your seat, cause there will be some explaining about why the new girl is here. Mahahahahaha!-Which is in the next chapter.. hopefully.

I also understand Ryuichi hasn't made his apperence very much, but he will. SOON.

Hope ya' like this chapter!

Cya!

_**  
**_


	4. Calamity

Welcome, to the horrific, wonderful, magical, wierd, cool, mystical, random, what am I doing?

...Well, umm... Enjoy?

**DISCLAIMER: Me no owney any Maki Murakami stuff.**

* * *

Chapter 4-

I didn't know what to do. All I remember was all the anger that was coursing through my body.

A fiancée

Everything is created without my consent.

I jumped up from the ground and angrily stared at my dad. Even if Yumi was pretty, I won't let her become my wife. Nobody will be my wife, but him.

Only him, even if it's just a dream.

Hold on though... Does he become the wife, or me?

"How could you do this to me?" Somehow, I could feel a stinging sensation in my eyes. Tears? Probably. My dad just looked at me, he had no pity. He knew what I wanted, but instead he crushed it. He crushed it hard.

By restraining my freedom.

"Tatsuha, calm down. You won't get married right away, besides your only 16 right now." His hand bobbed up and down, motioning for me to sit back down. I would of sat back down, but I couldn't. Right now, I felt angry. Angry at Sakuma-san.

Why? How should I know.

It just hurts.

I bolted off towards my room, ignoring my father's command to come back. I made my way towards my room, slid open the shoji door, and slammed it shut.

And here he was, in all his poster glory.

Sakuma Ryuichi.

My hands made their way to the closest glossy poster and gripped the sides tightly, crinkling them in my grasp. Then, I did the unthinkable.

I tore him off my wall, and ripped it in two.

Then again.

And again, until all the pieces were scattered around my feet.

I grabbed the next one and repeated my actions. More and more. I could not feel satisfied. All my posters had no meaning now, no, they never had a meaning in the first place.

_He ignored me that time._

I grabbed my box of videos and hurled it over towards the wall.

_He didn't want me._

I listened to the box crash into the wall, the videos tumbling out. I then reached for another poster. Another picture of him.

By then, my whole room was littered with scraps and torn fragments of all the posters that had adorned my walls, and only the corners of them were still stuck on my walls, held by a single tack. Such simplistic items that I love.

Have I just fallen in love with the poster?

My eyes averted towards my CD rack.

Or maybe this is just...

_A forbidden love between a mortal and God._

_He is the God, and I am the mere human that has fallen in love._

"Why?" I walked over towards my CD collection and grabbed a hold of the rack.

"Ryu--" My voice squeaked as I tossed the rack towards the already damaged videos.

"..." I dropped down to my knees, delicately holding my throat.

What... whats wrong with me? I can't seem to...

---

(3rd person)

"Yumi?" She was holding the wooden frame of the door, peering into the small crack that had formed on the Shoji screen. Her head slowly turned over towards the voice.

She smiled, "Yes, mother?"

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Satsuki had her arms crossed in front of her, as she rested her body on one leg. Yumi's smile was slowly turned upside down. She took her hand off the door and fully turned herself towards her mother.

"Should I be?" She combed back her hair, letting the long red strands run through her fingers. "He won't forget about that guy..."

"Ahh, Ryuichi isn't it?"

The smile reappeared back on her lips, but this time it wasn't smile. Only a simple smirk.

"Yes, but I'll make sure that he forgets all about him," her smirk deepened, "Everything about him."

"My, my, such drama." Satsuki pulled out a cigarette from her pocket, and lit it with a lighter. Inhaling deeply, she walked past the door and through another at the end of the hall, the smoke still trailing behind her.

Yumi took one last look at the door and fled towards her mother, leaving a tormented Tatsuha still inside.

Still thinking, of why.

Why?

---

He was sitting down in a simple hallway chair, waiting, thinking.

What did I do wrong?

"Sakuma-san!" Shuichi ran up to the dazed singer, and patted his back lightly.

"Sakuma-san?" He repeated, this time in a questioning manner. He still did not respond.

"Ryuichi?"

"WAH! Shuichi, you scared me, na no da!" The singer jumped up from the chair, and put on a frightened face.

"Sa.. Sakuma-san, I just wanted to thank you for the recording session today. You were great!" The pink boy bowed down in front of Ryuichi, but he didn't seem to notice. His gaze seemed elsewhere, though he was smiling back at the boy.

"Ne, do you know where Tatsuha lives, na no da?" The boy pulled his head back up, and stared at Ryuichi.

"Yeah, but why?"

He slowly drew his finger towards his lips, "Ryuichi..."

"...wants to thank him!"

"Eh? But Ryuichi..." Shuichi averted his eyes down towards his arm, which was bandaged neatly.

"Ahh, Shuichi pleeeeaaase?"

"Tohma will kill me if I do," Shuichi sighed. "But I guess if he doesn't know..."

"Thank you, na no da!" Ryuichi jumped up from his spot and hugged Shuichi tightly.

"Here... to get to his house..."

Ryuichi looked out the window of his car and watched as small houses began to gather. The further and further away he went from Tokyo, the more shrines and cottages he could see.

"Are we there yet?" he asked impatiently.

"Ryuichi-san, just a little bit further."

"Ah..." So he continued to stare out his window his eyelids, slowly, but surely drooping down. The driver looked at back at Ryuichi and clicked the air conditioner off, leaving a silent car, slowly driving down the lane.

Approaching closer and closer to his destination.

He would talk to him.

And ask him,

"Why?"

* * *

Ok, So I understand it was pretty short, but yeah. Please don't blame me... 

Alright, anyways I'm going off to... hopefully write some more, and yeah... Stupid projects.

Sayonara!


	5. Fallacy

Heyyy ya'llll!

Let me say, I'm soooooo sorry. Extreamly late chapter, and well... thats about it. I didn't exactly do much with this, I'm still trying to overcome my writers block. siiiighh. But arn't we glad we have a new chapter? Yes, yes, I am.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything that Maki Murakami has er, drawn, wrote, or anything else. I only own my, well, my characters.

Onward ho!

* * *

Chapter 5-

Why is it that bad things always happen around me?

It can't be gravity, Issac Newton already has his theories, and well... Albert Einstein is just smart. A real smart ass.

I can fly, right?

I hate this!

My bedroom was a mess. Everywhere I looked, it was insanity. Nothing was even in the right spot. My bed had shifted from the corner of the room towards well, more to the center. My CD case was over on the other side of the room, and my posters aren't even hung on my walls. I'm afraid to move.

I just might step on a tack.

Haha, I'm so funny, right? Tell me I'm funny. Dammit.

"..." I can't even speak.

It's gone.

I clutched my head and slid down one of my bare walls, the back of my tee-shirt slowly rising up. My knee's seemed to start scooting themselves closer to me, and my hands tiredly wrapped around them. I stared blankly towards a torn poster of him.

The guy who has screwed my life around. If he never existed, then this would of never happened. Never ever happened. Maybe I should just blame Tohma. He's the one that introduced me to it in the first place, but then again I was bound to find about this sooner or later.

Why did I even bother falling in love?

More importantly, why him?

I shut my eyes tightly as the sun seemed to creep through my paper thin door. I guess it's stopped raining.

Why did it stop raining?

Why can't it just continue?

Why?

Why am I crying?

Streaming down my cheeks, were fresh tears that were freely rolling down. I could taste their saltiness as they made there way down to the corner of my lips.

"Tatsuha, Yumi would like to come in." The knocking from the door disrupted my thoughts. I turned my head towards my door, and answered.

"..." I lowered my head, and stuck my forehead on my curled up knees. Blinking away the tears, I heard the maid walk away, her feet shuffling quietly against the hardwood floor.

"Tatsuha?" It was her voice that made me snap my head up. It was like a clear ring thought my head, softly luring me in. It made me think about the first time I heard his voice. The total opposite of his. The most obvious thing was the tone, her girlyness was nothing compared to the strong voice that Sakuma-san carries out. Nothing.

Except, why am I being dragged into her voice? It feels so soothing, yet I cannot even compare it to his. I cannot even begin on where to criticize her.

"Tatsuha?" Is this some kind of magic? If so, where is the trick behind it all?

"Tatsuha, are you in there?"

"..."

Stop it! I can't even scream, I want to shout, but what is my isolated voice doing?

Nothing! A useless voice it is.

"I'm coming in!" I scrambled up towards my feet, and made my way towards the door, slipping on a piece of paper on my way. I laid hopelessly on the ground, and awaited her arrival.

"Ah, what do we have here?" She bent down in front of me, and picked up a shredded part of Sakuma-san. I couldn't see her face, for her bangs had covered her eyes, casting down a shadow that covered her face.

"Sakuma, Ryuichi eh?" Within instinct, I tore away from the ground and snatched the fragment away from the girl. I don't think she even flinched.

She smiled sweetly, "I'm such a big fan as well, I can't believe you have so much stuff!" Yumi trailed around my room, her eyes tracing around the broken CD's and torn posters.

Yeah, like any of this stuff is worth anything now...

"Hey..." I snapped my head up and turned my attention to her locks of red hair. She advanced towards me, looking at me like a poor dead animal.

"Are you alright? Why won't you say anything to me?" I pondered for only a mere second. Of course, I can't talk.

"Are you scared of me?" I felt Yumi's hands grip my shoulders. She was dangerously close to me now. It seemed awkward as she dragged herself closer and closer to me.

"Tatsuha..." Her words escaped her lips as a silent whisper. I shuddered slightly as her breath touched my face. I hadn't noticed how close she was now, her body pressing against mine.

I had always dreamed of being in a position like this with Ryuichi, but instead I was here. With this... woman, whom is to be my wife. I can't say she isn't attractive, but theres something with Ryuichi that just makes my heart jump.

It's not his voice.

Not his sexy body.

Not his cute demeanor.

It couldn't be Kumagoro, could it?

Whatever it is, I can't figure it out. I feel like I'm somehow cheating on him, in someway hurting him without being near him.

"Why don't you talk, Tatsuha?" Coming back to my senses, I realized that Yumi was now clinging onto my body. Her lips just about grazed mine, but I flew back, pushing her off forcefully.

Scared. Yes, scared. That was how I was feeling at the moment. Everything about her started to frighten me, her vibrant red hair, lip glossed lips, and tan complexion, it began to intimidate me.

And in more than one way, it irked me.

"Tatsuha, what did you do that for?" She tossed some of the hair away from her face, and pushed herself up. "Why don't you speak?"

I noticed her irritation with my speechless speech, as her face started to glow a bright red. If "glowing" was even possible that is.

Out! I just wanted to get out! Out of my stupid room, out of my stupid house, out of this crappy world, and most of all, out of my loser body!

"I'm going to tell your father that your not treating your soon to be wife with respect!"

Oh boy, my father. I really wish we wouldn't drag him into this. Just, let me get out!

And then, It was just like the heavens and heard my plea, and at long last, the doorbell rang. I jumped out of my room, and dove for the front door, anxious to see who had arrived.

I felt like I had started over again, my sweaty palms ready to grab the doorknob.

Twist, and Push.

* * *

So how do you like them apples, eh? Joking, I don't know how I even thought about that.

So it was a... pretty much rushed chapter. I still have school, plus finals... Gah!

Wish me luck! (and pray for the next chapter to come out...)

Do Di Da!


	6. Realization

I noticed, Tatsuha's fathers place doesn't have a doorbell, nor a door that has a doorknob (cause it's a freakin' shrine). I feel so stupid. Maybe it's because I wasn't thinking right. Oh well...

Thing that suprised me was I wasn't going to submit this chapter untill I finished the next one... Oh well. (I was going to do that, because this one's pretty short, plus I couldn't continue off from here, so this had to become a chapter. Cliff hanger! Yay!)

Onward Ho!

* * *

"..." I stared at the face of my kimono clad brother. He looked at me, as smirk adorning his mouth, eyes seeming to mock my very existence. Did he know already? So soon, the word has already spread?

He shoved past me, my back hitting the wall. "Sooo, Mika told me you got engaged. I just had to come and see what ugly wife the old fart got you." I glared daggers at my brother, he himself not aware that I cannot speak. Not that I wanted to anyways.

"Tatsuha!" Her voice rang clearly through my ears. My brother looked at me, and once again, smirked.

"Why hello beautiful lady, I assume you are Yumi?" I watched in horror as the horrible witch ran towards me, pushing forcefully on my brother sending him out of her way. Her arms clasped around my body, her weight almost dragging me down. She was heavier than most girls that I had encountered in my life, but she was not obscenely heavy. Perhaps it is her height that makes up her weight. I snort.

"Why did you push me down you fool?" Her "tears" stained my shirt, as she loudly sobbed into me. Aniki passed me a weird look and then walked away, a cigarette lit calmly in his mouth. I could only struggle against the woman trying to get her greedy paws off of me.

"Tatsuha?" She clawed at me a little bit more, her grip never loosening.

"Gee Tatsuha, you sure got stuck with a clingy one. So sad." I watched as my brother reappeared in my sight. "I pity you. Really." He flashed me a smile while Yumi, still clung onto me, glaring at my aniki.

"Well sorry for being so clingy, ass wipe," hissed Yumi. Woah, did she just cuss at my aniki? I guess little miss perfect, isn't as perfect as she seems.

"Oh Tatsuha, how did you end up with a brother like this one?"

Can you believe this woman? I just want to... claw her eyes out. Yes, I said claw. There is more pleasure in doing it yourself and watching the pitiful person succumb to your every will. I can just see it now, the flames of hell burning with my fiery passion of doom!

I sigh.

'A monk must complete his duty, but I can still dream.' I grinned inwardly, imaging all the things I could possibly do to her.

My brother's eye twitched. He stooped down low enough to be able to whisper in her ear.

"I don't care if your my stupid brothers fiancée or not, next time I see you, I'll make sure you regret those words." On top of me, I could feel Yumi shiver slightly.

So well, my aniki has now left me hanging with this witch. Alone. God knows what shes going to do now.

"**Tatsu-chan,** Your brother... he.. he.. wahhh!" Oh god, she's crying some more now. How do I get rid of her? Did she just call me TATSU-CHAN? I understand now that praying to Buddha isn't going to help me with my situation. I guess all I can really do now is just sit here. Tatsu-chan... nooooo.

"Tatsuha?" I disregarded Yumi as my eyes fell towards the doorway where a figure stood, a hat shadowing over the person's eyes. I could just faintly remember that voice. It sounded so dejected, yet I could still grasp it.

Sakuma Ryuichi, was looking over at me.

"I guess I came at a bad time, na no da." He lifted his head up and scratched the back of his head. A broad smile adorned his lips as he looked right at us, eyes clear and alert. I had forgotten that Yumi was still on top of me, whining. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Instead, Yumi talked for me.

"Are YOU the famous Sakuma-san?" The man that I had loved so desperately, had nodded to her question, almost avoiding me completely. Except, I could feel his eyes glance at me every once in a while. Being under his gaze, I could feel my guilt come forward. Did he come here just to chat about the petty things that didn't even matter, or was he going to insult me like Tohma did. Either way, my whole relationship with him was going to end here, I could feel it.

"--I adored your songs sooooo much!"

"Thank you, na no da!" I watched as his child-like exterior laughed and smiled like he usually did. Was I the only one who felt so pained over such a... **trivial** thing like this? I don't understand why he's here, just standing there pretending every thing is o.k, when it's completely and utterly not! I just don't understand, I don't, I don't, I don't!

"So, why are you here Sakuma-san?" Asked Yumi. I snapped up and pushed myself upwards off from the ground, awaiting the so sought after question of my own. As my eyes hit his own, I could feel myself tearing them away from his instantly. His eyes burned into mine, almost as if he were about to pierce my dejected soul with his icy-like gaze. It pains me so much just to see him again, but what does he want?

"Well, I was going to talk to Tatsuha, but it seemed like you two were busy, haha." Ryuichi scratched the back of his head again. Yumi smiled and pulled herself closer to me, wrapping around her hand on my shoulder.

Then it had hit me.

If only realization was easier to realize. He had seen us. On the ground. That woman on top of me. So many things could have been happening, but he had only thought of the sickest answer. Even I couldn't imagine myself sleeping with that woman.

"So, I guess I'll leave now..."

He can't leave yet, I need him! Wait... What am I thinking, he wouldn't want me. After all, I've now been reduced to a regular non-needed fan, rather than his number one, ultimate fan which cheers him on louder than any other girl in the world could.

Now, I can't even show my face in the crowd, and his platinum selling records and songs will no long be able to reach me.

I hold out my hand in front of me, extending towards my ex-idol without thought.

No more will I be able to hear his voice, his lovely voice which I have without.

Then without hesitation, I grasp a part of his shirt.

I...

I don't want him to leave.

* * *

So, did you like? It's like, half written in daylight, and half written at like.. 5 am. Who knows. Just enjoy. 

- From: ME!


	7. Silent Interlude

Ok, uber short chapter, why? Because I want one. This is basicly a short chapter on Ryuichi's thoughts. I thought it was kinda pointless, but read anyways.

Disclaimer: Must I say this? You already know what I own, and don't. Like Gravitation for instance, I don't own that. My dead bonzai plant, yes I own that.

If you too thought this was pointless, just gimmie a shout. I don't mind.

_"Am I selfish for wanting the things that I want? Or am I too selfless to not care about the consequences?"

* * *

_Silent Interlude:

I can feel their gazes on my hand, which is now grabbing a part of Sakuma-san's shirt. Why am I doing this?

Like hell I know.

"Are you feeling alright Tatsu-chan?" Yumi's hands feel as cold as ice, as she pries my fingers off of his expensive shirt. I just stand there, looking like a idiot with no purpose at all, but to stain that expensive shirt with my grubby hands. The whole room is tensed up, I can feel it.

I open my mouth. But as quickly as I had opened them, I shut them back closed the same way. I can't speak.

Unless he knows how to read lips. He'd have so many good qualities then.

Arg! Stop thinking about that, what happened to good ol' Tatsuha, before he came into my life. Girls, girls, girls. Yep, that was the life. I should just turn around, let him leave, then go back to gathering all the sexy girls that I know.

But that won't happen. I feel like theres an invisible box surrounding me, only giving me enough room to breathe. Why won't they say something? **Why doesn't he say anything?** Is he disgusted by my act?

**I just don't know.**

Ryuichi's POV:

Why I chose to come here, was completely my choice. Thanking Tatsuha wasn't what I really wanted to do. Shuichi was kind enough to give me directions, but lying to him made me felt a little guilty. But he doesn't need to know the real reason.

I just can't shake off this feeling that Tatsuha doesn't want me around. Maybe Tohma did a bit too much damage on his brain. I don't know, but after I saw that girl and Tatsuha "together", I wanted to hurl. She was wrapping herself all over him, like snake beginning to choke it's prey. I wanted her off. Did he want the same thing?

Then it was sudden, very sudden. His little act almost made me jump in fright. It scared me, not being able to know what Tatsuha was thinking. I couldn't read him, he wasn't like the open book Shuichi was like. Tatsuha... Tatsuha is different. His eyes could fool any pretty girl, and at times, they could fool me.

I feel dirty.

His simple act of touch made me feel like the criminal I am. I hurt him, therefore I am the devil, in which his angelic touch burns across my skin. Even if it was indirect, I could still feel it, the lingering hope which he emitted at that time. A hope for what? False wanting? He has that girl by his side, he would no longer want me. Besides, after all the horrible occurrences that have happened around me, why is Tatsuha to blame? It should be me, and me only. I will take on the punishment in which my sins that are still not atoned for harshly. I should not even be here.

Somehow, he still makes me feel like a human being, not the false me. Just me. Even if he is another one of my fans, he continues to cheer me on. It makes me feel warm, and his voice lets me know that every thing is alright. My worries disappear on the stage, and I sing. Sing for him. My words reach his ears, and he listens. To every last detail in which I give.

A new song plunders in from a different source.

And the crowd disappears.

I am the last one on the stage, and yet he is still here. By my side, without doubt, a true fan till the end. How much longer can he stand this? Can he wait idle forever, or must I give him the first push?

I watched as he opens his mouth to possibly say something, but it never came out. It only shut as fast as he had opened it. If he wishes to say something, then say it! Either I will be rejected, or I won't, but what hope is in my acceptance? He may just throw me out as fast as the other people have before.

This silence is deafening.

**Why doesn't he say anything? **Have I faded away so much that even my voice will not reach you any longer?

I will not sing for you.

I will not give you the push.

Please, Tatsuha.

What do you want?

**I just don't know.**

**

* * *

**

Didn't this chapter kinda feel like a pointless rant? Oh well, thats just what I think. This is the first 2 worded title so far, and it does have a meaning. Silent, because none of the two main characters talk, cept Yumi at one point, but that doesn't count.

I'll be gone in California for about a month, or shorter, so don't expect anything soon.

Cya soon my fans! (Hopefully)


	8. Speak

Somehow... the ruler feature don't work...

**DISCLAIMER: I don't wok Murakami's work.**

Hey guys! Whats up? Well, to be honest, I came back from California awhile ago... I was just too lazy to post/say anything. The bad news is _SCHOOL_ has _STARTED_. Oh joy!

**9/12/06 - I am taking some extra time to revise/edit some parts of the beginging chapter/all the chapters before this. If you ever noticed, the first chapter has been... somewhat editited to my liking. Not a huge change, but you can re-read it if you want to (it probably won't make anymore sense then it did last time...). The chapters that get edited will have a note by me saying that they were edited.**

Besides all of this news, thank you soo much my reviewers! You make me feel very special!

Now lets start the story!

---------- ----------

Chapter 8:

How am I supposed to tell him that I still want him, need him back in my life somehow. It doesn't matter anymore. I'll start from scratch, and build up my relationship with him again.

That'll take forever. He still hates me, probably.

I tug away from Yumi's grip. She doesn't let go, but I don't stop trying. I'm starting to feel Yumi doesn't like Sakuma-san. I hear all her compliments towards him, yet her words are too clear, and crisp. Like a speech recited, over and over again. It feels almost...

Dead. I want to get away from this creepy lady, right now.

"Well, I'll be going now." I watch, almost terrified, as he steps away from us. He silently makes his way to his car, not even turning around to say goodbye.

I want to go with him.

"Now Tatsuha, lets go back inside and clean your room." Her hands wrap themselves around my arm and start to drag me back towards my loving room. I protest by trying to loosen her arms around me.

I can hear the engine roaring, and the driver opening the door smoothly. I'm screaming in my head trying to plead with Yumi, but she just doesn't get it, she won't let go until she sees that he's gone.

I understand who she is now. A vile woman born just to rid my life of him. His precious life which I cannot seem to live without.

She drags me further into the house. I can see the driver pulling out of the parking space.

I guess I have no choice.

My hand flung towards Yumi, palm connecting with her body. Forcefully, I push her off and watch as she tumbles down, her crimson hair falling in front of her face. She looks up at me with her pleading eyes which I don't take, instead I stare her down, hard.

Her body reacts quickly to my cold stare. Eyes retreating, body shrinking back down. After I watched her form crinkle down, my feet twirled my body around, allowing me to race down the hallway towards the front entrance.

I can hear her voice trembling behind me, "Tatsuha, come back!"

The gravel underneath the car moves, the wheels rotating as the driver steps onto the gas. I step outside, not caring that I didn't have my shoes on. The rocks poke at my bare feet, as I take steps closer towards the car. My hands can almost touch the smooth surface of the slowly moving vehicle.

Sweating palms reached out sticking themselves onto the glass window, streaking them slightly. My reflection was casted upon the window, allowing me to see my begging face. I moved along with the turtle slow car, banging my fist against the smoked window.

Somehow, I could almost feel the agony that was bottled up inside seeping through the cracks of the door. Was there always this much feeling kept locked inside? My heart thumped, and I stopped moving with the car. It sped on a little ways before slowing down to halt.

'The car stopped?' I watched as the car reversed itself closer to me. It stopped again, only this time a couple feet away from me. Swallowing the lump in my throat, the door to the car opened slightly, showing a brown mass of hair poking outside.

He spoke, "Get in the car," and I rushed over to his side.

His body scooted over towards the other side as I stepped in. Leather seats were cold to the touch, making me shiver.

Ryuichi's head was turned away from mine, looking outside at the scenery which passed by quickly. We both sat in silence. I took a glimpse at his body and watched him move uncomfortably around in his seat, then I looked at his face, which I shouldn't have done. When I looked up, his eyes connected with mine.

I don't know what it was, but I couldn't pry my eyes off. My face started to feel as if it was burning, like it was being laser beamed off by his eyes. They weren't the kind of, bouncy, happy eyes he always used, no, his eyes looked like they were going to overflow with his tears, glimmering themselves in pure rejected glory.

Like crystal it was, but as beautiful as they were, they struck me with recognition. I felt myself in his position, and he, himself, was in mine. I could just scream at him, ask him to forgive me, but how? I let myself slowly creep up towards Ryuichi, hand moving closer to his.

I watched as he shifted away.

My hand pulled itself back, and I lost contact with his eyes, and not too soon later, he spoke.

"Did you and Yumi get in some fight?" Did he think this was some quarrel of lovers between me an Yumi? He still doesn't understand, not even one bit of it does he understand.

I stay silent, parting my lips slightly as if I were going to say something, but Ryuichi beat me to it.

"It's alright Tatsuha, couples fight all the time." I listen to it ring through my head. In someways I just wanted to strangle him.

In response to his question, I shook my head. He looked at me strangely then turned his head facing the seat in front of him. We drove over a speed bump, my body flinging forwards.

Forgot to buckle.

I clipped in the seatbelt quickly, ensuring my safety during the trip to who knows where. After that whole NG shoot out, I have to be more careful.

My fingers interlocked themselves, discouraging me to touch the beauty which sat next to me. My thumbs twiddled around, confused as to what to do. There was no way that I could speak to Ryuichi...

Until I spotted something on the vehicle floor, next to my feet.

"Is there something you want to tell me then? That is why your here... right?" He shot another look at me. I didn't dare look back, instead I reached down onto the floor and picked up the object, or rather, objects.

A green half used crayon sat delicately in my right clammy hand, while a fresh, paint white piece of paper was held in the other. I placed the sheet in-between Ryuichi and myself, then I let the crayon flow along with my hand, curves and straight edges beginning to take shape.

He didn't even peep a word when we looked at what I wrote, what I drew. All he did was pick up an extra waxy crayon from the ground and doodled along with me, a smile caressing his mouth.

Instead of listening to repeated, recited words, we didn't utter a single word.

We didn't want to listen to sappy speeches, or a simple "I love you". A green marking here and there was enough for me. Enough to make it--

"Absolutely shiny."

But the sheet of paper still sat quietly between, separating us miles apart.

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FYI : This ain't the last chapter!

Thankies for reading chapter 8! Please leave a review!


	9. Repetitive

**Authors Note: **This is suprising, to think i'd actually finish up this chapter. Er, might be... SUPER confusing, because.. well yeah. I just kinda make things as I go. My best ideas are usually the things that I think of first. Besides, I hate planning.

Umm, besides all my rambling, lets get on. I hope you enjoy this... update. Don't know when i'll have time to write, school is... bad as always.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything by Maki Murakami, but I do own my OC's.**

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**Chapter 9: Repetitive**

"Tatsuha!" Yumi stumbled out of the house, reaching out for the dissapearing car. She stared at the back, watching it fade away from the horizon. Anger could be felt raging through her body, her hated coursing through her veins.

"That bastard!" Messy crimson hair trailed down her face, eyes blurred by the salty tears that dared to stain her shirt. She wouldn't allow it, absolutely wouldn't.

"Who's the one saying he'll forget all about him?" Yumi stood in place, not even the slightest flinch from the voice that called from behind her.

"Mother... I just can't seem to get to him," The two red heads stood silently.

"I could give you his address," Satsuki wrapped a strand of her hair around her fingers. Boringly, she decided to pull it out, letting out a slight wince.

Yumi's eyes widened, "Yes, give it to me!" her hand reached for her mother's shoulders, squeezing them tightly. A puff of smoke casually has blow next to her face.

"Bring Tatsuha back. I'd hate for his father to dislike us," A piece of paper was pulled out of Satsuki's pocket, ready to hand over to Yumi. She stared at the address, which was written in cursive, looping towards the edge of the paper. Snatching the paper away, she took off to one of the cars parked out in the front. Taking out her keys, she pressed open the unlock button, and pulled open the door. Letting herself fall into the seat, she stuck the keys into the ignition, bringing the car to life. The door was slammed shut, and in a split-second, Yumi was driving out.

"Yumi..." Satsuki fell down to her knees. Her hands supporting her figure, and cigarette lit in her mouth. She opened her mouth and let the cigarette fall onto ground, it's ashes flicking everywhere.

"I'm so sorry..."

She sped through the already crowded streets, honking furiously at the casual drivers in her way. The traffic had already begun it's daily routine, the mass of taxis and overcrowded buses wheeling around their passengers, stopping every once in a while to pick up a fresh batch of people. Stepping on the gas pedal, she continued her race against time, to find Ryuichi's car before she lost Tatsuha forever from her sight.

Crimson eyes glowered at the red stop light, it's power shining in broad daylight.

She wouldn't allow it, not in hell would she lose Tatsuha to him.

The glory of wining sounded much better than losing in agony.

"I won't lose..." Yumi gripped the steering wheel, knuckles turning pale white.

"I won't lose." The red light blinked green, and once again the car sped off, only to find in her vision a familiar black car approaching at great speed.

Crayons littered the floor, half broken, with pieces of them wedged into the middle of the car seats. Papers torn in half, others crumpled. In the middle, a hand moved smoothly, a bright red crayon carving itself into the paper.

The words "I" and "Ryuichi" stuck out like a sore thumb. They were beaming right at him, straight at him, nowhere else.

Only at him.

"Tatsuha, I--" Before Ryuichi could finish, the car came to a screeching halt, their seat belts the only thing preventing them from colliding with the seat in front.

"What's happening?" Ryuichi lowered the window separating the driver and himself. Sticking his head through, he failed to notice the expression on Tatsuha's face. In front of the car stood the crimson haired lady, who had vowed to take him back. Her car blocked their car, stopping all of the traffic behind them. Her furious rage led her up to the car door, slamming her fists against the window where Tatsuha had sat.

"Tatsuha! Come out of there, please!" Tatsuha just stared out the window, a blank expression on his face.

"What does she want?" Hissed Ryuichi. The sight of the red-haired lady made his blood boil, but it only angered him more when she let Tatsuha's name slip out of her mouth so easily.

"Go away, Tatsuha doesn't want you!" His voice boomed inside the car, leaking outside. Yumi stopped her fists, taking a step backwards. Teeth clenched together, eyes burning a hole in Ryuichi's head.

"Who are you to speak for Tatsuha!?" Yumi pointed a finger accusingly towards the black car. "You think you can save yourself by keeping him by your side, but what does Tatsuha gain? You'll toss him away like every other fool who's fell for you!"

This time it was Ryuichi's time to grit his teeth. He reached out for Tatsuha's hand, grasping it in his hold. Tatsuha flinched at his touch, eye widening at the words from Yumi's mouth. They echoed inside his head, the words repeating over and over.

"Tell me, what will he gain? Your fame, your money, your **love**!?" Emphasizing the last bit, Yumi struggled against her hatred.

Ryuichi couldn't utter a single word. His hand only tightened on Tatsuha's, but in response, he was met with watering eyes, boring into his with pure confusion. He just didn't know what was right anymore.

Eyes locked with eyes, "Tatsuha... She's lying!"

"Ha! Lies!? You think I would lie about such a thing? Tatsuha, come out of the car." Yumi took more steps backwards, a hand reaching out for the person hesitating inside. A hysterical laugh was heard, as more steps were taken, feet crossing the yellow line between roads.

He watched as it happened in slow motion.

A pair of screeching tires, the sound of onlookers gasping, and the earsplitting sound of a crash between bones and metal colliding filled the now dead silent air surrounding them.

Tatsuha slowly twisted his head towards the window, viewing the horrid mess on the other side of the line that separated Yumi and himself...

Miles apart.

"Tatsuha..." Ryuichi felt a tug from his grip, watching Tatsuha opening the car door slowly.

"Get the ambulence!"

"Somebody!?"

"Is she dead?"

"Call for help!"

He couldn't feel any strength behind his grip anymore, and let Tatsuha's hand slip out of his. Eyes watched as the figure in front of him sat up, legs already out past the car's entrance.

"Tatsuha, don't go!" yelled Ryuichi. His voice strained, letting the last few sounds whisper away into the soft breeze pushing itself into the car. Tatsuha couldn't hear him, at least, he thought he couldn't. He could feel his voice nagging at the back of his head, but he couldn't help but push it away.

In a split second, everything came rushing back into his head. The feeling of his body being smacked by a car, the yelling stranger, and the music that had drawn him in.

His voice.

His touch.

His desire.

"Tatsuha, don't go!" He yelled for the last time. This time, he watched as Tatsuha turned around and looked straight at him, mouthing words that Ryuichi did not understand.

He watched as Tatsuha ran out after the bloody scene.

"Don't leave me Tatsuha!"

Three simple words like "I love you."

Simple words that had no meaning to him.

"Don't leave me alone..." He slumped in his seat, watching his figure retreating from his vision.

Something he had already heard over, and over.

Ryuichi gripped his shirt tightly, an overwhelming pain trying to push itself out of his chest, on the verge of bursting. It pained his so much, the way Tatsuha had looked at him before he took off. The tears that slid down his colorless cheeks.

Just how many tears had he shed over him. Over somebody who wasn't even worth the millions of glistening tears that streamed down.

He didn't want to understand Tatsuha's words at all.

It's always the same.

And to think he thought Tatsuha was **special.**

To think that Tatsuha made his heart **flutter.**

Was it all a lie?

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Wow... That was.. kinda confusing. I noticed this whole chapter was in 3rd P.O.V, so everybody could basicly be in it. Focuses alot on Yumi in the first half.

OooOOooO, Ryuichi's background is comming I think. I hope it is atleast.

Anyways, thanks for all of your reviews! I appreciate everybody's comments!


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